


Stargazing

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attack, Stargazing, Suicide Attempt, referenced self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-08-21 23:49:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8264917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: Michael likes to look at the night sky after shows from the rooftops of hotels, but he's not just enjoying the view. Sometimes he thinks about what it would be like to fly through the air for just a moment, soar with the stars and spread his wings. Of course, he wouldn't actually fly, but he doesn't think he'd mind that either. Anything to stop this feeling.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is honestly like...a pile of shit. Like, it started out okay and then I'm not even sure what the last half of the first chapter even is. I don't know. Just let me know what you think, I guess. 
> 
> Also on an entirely random note, Paperstorm has like, the BEST Muke fics on here, so if you haven't read any of their stories, you're really missing out. It'll make you feel better after this garbage.

September 24, 2016, 1:36 AM, Mexico City, Mexico. 

Michael's got his back to the door that led onto the roof, and his arms are crossed as he stares up at the sky. Five shows left. They finished up one of two in Mexico City just, well, technically yesterday, wasn't it? The after party wore him out, but he's still too tired to sleep, so here he is. The insomnia is back in full force, but the boys don't need to know that. They'll be off tour soon, and he can sleep all day when he gets back- if he ever gets home, that is. He's had this odd feeling that he's not going home as soon as he thinks- maybe ever. He gets these intuitions and they almost always come true, but they're so vague they really don't do a damn thing for him but confuse him. They're useless. Sort of like him, right? Useless, pointless, and just plain _tired_. Everyone's sick of him being tired, he knows it, but everything feels like it's weighing on his shoulders and he can barely walk with the weight. 

He pushes off from the door and goes to lean on the safety rail, hands propping up his face. It looks so calm. The side of the hotel rooftop he's on is facing away from the majority of the city, but he can still see lights going for miles, and it's beautiful. He does love the city, in some ways, even though it's so busy. It's a beautiful view at night. It looks so free, so calm, as if one could get lost in the air without a care in the world, without insecurity or pressure from anyone. He wants to feel that. He looks down for a moment, gazing at the ground six stories below. He's been up higher, but it's high enough to- to what, exactly? Nothing, that's what. But if he had wings, if he could fly, he would be over the edge in a second. He's living the dream, he knows, and he does feel ashamed to be unhappy, but right now all he can think about is the peace he so badly wants. He just wants to feel it. 

The moon is bright, and he tilts his face upward to see it better. It's beautiful, but it's not even real. He thinks maybe he's sort of like the moon- nothing special except for the illumination of the sun. He's nothing without his boys, but they're everything with or without him, aren't they? He's just...well, again, useless. He's meant to be as talented, attractive- funny, even- but he's not. He's just Michael. He's barely thinking as he grips the rail tightly and steps up, swinging a leg over the top. His knuckles are white but his mind is elsewhere as he climbs over and hangs out above the grounds of the hotel. He's not looking down, he's looking far up at the surprisingly large amount of visible stars in the night sky. It's warm, but there's a perfect, cool breeze somehow, and it seems to take the anxiety from his shoulders and whisk it away as he gazes upward. The view feels so large it makes him feel small, and he likes that, likes to feel stripped down to his bones because then he doesn't have to be anything. He's just a soft presence among the stars, barely existing for a moment as he closes his eyes and just _breathes_. When his eyes open again, he finds himself reaching a hand out as if he can touch the stars, swirling it through the air and reaching for the moon. 

Then the air shoots out of his lungs as panic slams into him so hard he flings himself back against the rail. His free hand scrambles to grip the rail again, and his heart stops when it misses once, twice, before grasping it the third time. He clings to it tighter than he's ever clung to anything, and he struggles to breathe. _What is he doing?_ He could- he could fall. He thinks about that for a moment, about being really out there in the air- then panics again and scrambles over the rail, tripping and falling into a heap on the other side. He's shaking so violently, he can't move for a few moments. _What is wrong with him? Is he really that- that fucked up? That insane?_

It feels like it's been hours when his phone buzzes, but when his hands still enough for him to check, it's only been ten minutes. 

Luke _\- where r u_

You _\- rooftop. stargazing_

It's not really a lie because that's what he came to do, isn't it? Isn't it?

Luke- _r u even allowed up there_

You- _dunno_

Luke- _u ok_

You- _yeah_

Michael sits up, pocketing his phone and trying to collect himself. His breathing is gradually slowing, and he pulls himself to his feet. He turns to look over the edge again, and finds he's not nearly as scared as he should be as he looks down at the ground. He almost- he could have fallen and _died_ , and he's feeling oddly calm now that the panic has passed. 

The door opens and he turns to see Luke who shuts it softly behind him and comes to stand near Michael. He's wearing sweatpants and a graphic tee, and his hair is wet.

"You coming to bed?" he asks, and great, they're sharing a room, aren't they? Well, of course, they always do these days. Ashton and Calum would hate to be separated, and Michael can't _really_ blame them. It's a new couple sort of thing and all that. 

"Yeah, just taking a bit of time," Michael says.

"Do you want to be alone?" Luke asks and no, he really doesn't. He doesn't want to be around most people, but Luke's hair is stuck to his face from the water and his eyes are glowing in the dim light and he looks so at ease with himself, it helps Michael relax. 

"No," he answers softly, "I'd like the company."

"Good," Luke says with a smile, and that's that. They're out there for a while longer, sitting in a comfortable silence. That's how it is with them when they're alone- as loud and talkative as they can get, together they have an understanding. There's peace in the other's company. 

 

 

 

September 25, 2016, 12:03 AM, Mexico City, Mexico. 

He's drawn back up to the roof like a magnet to metal. He doesn't know why- really, he should be terrified. He _was_ terrified, but then... he doesn't even know. It's like he had a rational fear, and then all sanity departed. He needs to be up there again. 

This time, he stays far away from the edge, but he still looks over it from several feet away and gazes out at all the lights. There are so many people down there living similar but vastly different lives. They all have talents, opinions, different sorts of intellect or wisdom or- well, anything Michael lacks. Except opinions. He's always had lots of those, but they hold no weight, really. He's just the loud, opinionated idiot, and he's not sure why they're all fine with putting up with him. Maybe they aren't. Maybe after this tour they'll ask him to leave the band, or something. He's not living up to expectations, not nearly, and he doubts he ever will. 

(Whose expectations are they really, though?)

No, it's not him. Well, it is. But it's him failing, not him expecting too much of himself, because that's ridiculous, isn't it? They should expect a lot from him and they do and he doesn't meet it and he's a failure. It's not just all in his head, though that would be much better, sadly enough. Then maybe he'd have a shot at succeeding. Or not, because who knows? He's rambling and he's not even talking out loud and oh, hey, there's another fault. They drown him, his faults, and he can't help but think of them all the time. His stand out like black on white, like red on white tiles... _no_. Not that, not right now. 

His hand reaches down to fiddle with the thick layers of bracelets on his left wrist, and his skin itches beneath them. His thighs do as well, despite the fresh cuts there. He just wants peace, he's tired, he just wants peace. _He wants peace_. 

"Luke thought maybe you were up here," a voice interrupts his thoughts. It's Calum, and he's smiling slightly. "Got your head in the clouds, Clifford?"

"Not many clouds right now," Michael answers, trying to calm his beating heart. It's too easy to set it off these days. 

"Touche. Head in the stars?"

"I wish," Michael says absently. "Do you ever think about flying?"

"Not really," Calum says, resting a hand on his shoulder. "I mean, maybe if I was like, Superman or something. But to be honest, I wish I was better in the water. Surfing looks so fun but I just _fail_ at it."

"You were better than me," Michael grumbles. 

"You weren't even trying," Calum scolds. "Now let's go inside. You look dead on your feet."

"Okay," Michael agrees, because he really needs to be away from the edge right now and he knows it. Or maybe he doesn't, maybe he needs to be closer.

"The door is this way," Calum says with laughter in his voice as Michael suddenly stops in the middle of walking toward the rail.

"Right. I _am_ tired." He laughs awkwardly, and Calum just shakes his head at him.

"You need to get some sleep, you dork," he says, and drags Michael through the door and down to his room. 

 

 

 

September 30, 2016, 5:25 AM, Melbourne, Australia.

When they haven't played a show, he tends to get so lost in his head that he doesn't even find himself on a roof. It's been five days, but here he is again. He's home- in Australia, that is, not really _at home_ but close enough. Home doesn't feel right anymore either, but for now he'll pretend it does and that everything will be okay once he's there. The tour is almost over and it's been amazing, really. Seems like a good way to wrap things up, to finish everything. A good way to be remembered- before the next tour, right. Before they do another album. He made it sound like he's going somewhere and that's just silly. He's right here, on the rooftop, with his boys just a few stories below, and they're on tour. It's just been a good tour and they're finishing it up well. That's all. Except he's hanging over the edge again. 

Godammit. What the hell is he thinking? It's like his body and his mind have separated. (He's disassociating again. He struggled with that last year but it went away, right?)

He's barely trembling this time, and that scares him. But nothing else did. He's hanging from so high up that the few lights that are on look like miniscule little specks in the distance, and his heart barely skips a beat. He's still perfectly calm as he turns and pulls himself back over the rail and sits down on the other side. The view is just as breathtaking as the one in Mexico City, and he loses himself in it. 

Someone shakes his shoulder and he jolts awake, scrambling to get away.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, I'm just trying to wake you up," a voice calms him, and it's Calum again. 

"Oh." Michael squints at the sunlight. "What time is it?"

"6:40," Calum says. "Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I am," Michael brushes it off. "I got some sleep, I just woke up too early and couldn't fall asleep again."

"Well apparently you could. How long were you out for?"

"Only like ten minutes," Michael lies. "What're you doing up?"

"I was working out," Calum says, sitting down next to him. Now that Michael thinks about it, he does look all sweaty and he's wearing exercise clothes. Michael should have worked out too. He really needs to do that more. 

"Gross, you smell all sweaty," he says instead of what he's thinking.

"Too bad for you," Calum grins, and then throws his gross, sweaty arms around Michael. Michael squirms away, protesting.

"Noooo, that's disgusting!"

"Shouldn't have said anything!" Calum crows. "Now c'mon, I need to shower and you need to get ready for the day."

"Fine," Michael gripes, getting up and keeping his gaze away from the edge of the roof.

"And Mike? Try to sleep more, if you can. We're all having trouble adjusting to the different time zones, but you really need more sleep."

"Of course," Michael says. "I'll try to hit the hay sooner tonight. And don't blame your lack of sleep on time zones, lover boy."

Calum squawks at him and whips him with his sweat towel as he heads for the door. Michael's smile is temporary, but it is genuine. He's fine, just weird thoughts from a lack of sleep. That's all.

 

 

 

October 3, 2016, 1:45 AM, Brisbane, Australia.

He brings his notebook this time, writing a few lines and then scratching them out. He feels inspired but not quite in the right way; he wants to write but nothing seems to be working. 

_I am unintentionally dangerous, an overwhelming force that none dare take on._

That's not even lyrics. He huffs in frustration. 

 _ ~~I am unintentionally dangerous, an overwhelming force that none dare take on.~~ Constellations of freckles on your skin, an open door I can't go in, and I'm lost right in front of you_.

Why do they even let him write? It's all shit. He tosses the notebook down beside him and sighs. The sky is failing him tonight. He doesn't feel like floating away, he feels like soaring downward toward the hard ground. He feels like taking that leap for the rush and the sudden stop. He needs a sudden stop for everything. He's losing it, he's actually going insane.

He rolls onto his back and glares up at the sky. It's blank, a dark blue with the moon covered by what seems like the one cloud in the sky. Figures. No way to stargaze when the stars are all out of sight. Is that his life? Everyone else gets all the stars and his is just- blank. Empty. He really ought to stop feeling sorry for himself, but he's spent all day pretending to be happy, so he thinks he deserves this.  

"Hey," a voice says softly behind him. He doesn't jump this time, slowly looking over to see Luke. Luke doesn't question his position, just flops on the concrete with him and stares upward. "No stars."

"Yeah," Michael says, and Luke frowns at the lack of _no shit, Sherlock._ That's never good. 

"Are you doing okay?" Luke asks again. He keeps asking, but it's not like Michael can, you know, tell him or anything. What would that do other than cause unnecessary panic? Oh right, it would take his best friend he's also in love with and make him look at Michael like he was- is- a freak. Which, yeah. Makes sense. So he won't say a word about the scars or the fresh cuts or the urge to fling himself over the rail a few feet away from them. 

"Yeah," he says again, but his voice cracks and Luke frowns again. 

"No, you're not.; Why didn't you say anything? You never tell us anything, Michael, but I promise you're not a burden. I- we just want you to be okay."

"I _am_ okay," Michael insists. 

"Yeah," Luke snorts, "which is why you end up stargazing alone every night and don't talk and barely register what anyone's saying half the time."

"It's not every night. And I'm just a little overwhelmed, that's all. The tour's been amazing, but by the end I'm always a little crazy from seeing so many people and I just need a bit of time to myself."

"I get that," Luke says, "even Calum needs that. Just- please don't shut yourself away again, okay?"

"Okay," Michael says. He won't be shutting himself away if he's completely gone, right? 

(Wait, what?)

"And maybe you could spend more time with me- us again too? You keep disappearing and I get that, I do, but we're barely hanging out anymore. We see each other for rehearsals and during shows, but...I don't know. We're kind of split."

 _Oh. Oh no,_ Michael really should have seen it sooner. With him disappearing every night and Ash and Cal in their room doing...whatever, Luke's alone. And Luke _hates_ being alone. He's not as extroverted as people think, so he doesn't go around making other friends on his own, but he also doesn't like an empty room. Michael should've remembered that. But he can't keep himself off the rooftops. He doesn't know why, but he just can't.

"Let's go hang out for a bit, then," he says. "I'll try to cut down my alone time just a bit, yeah? And when we get home, Ash and Cal can go make eyes at each other or whatever they do and we'll hang out."

"Just you and me?" Luke asks, brightening right up. Michael's confused but he brushes it off.

"Yeah, if you want."

"Okay, that sounds great." Luke's smiling to himself, but he's weird and Michael just rolls his eyes. 

"Now come on, you party animal, let's go hang out." Michael stands and pulls Luke up to his feet.

He could use a little more time with him before-

Before the tour ends. Right. Then it'll be different, yeah? That's what he meant. Before they all go home.

 

 

 

October 5, 2016, 12:57 AM, Sydney, Australia. 

First of two shows in Australia down, and Michael's feeling restless. He feels as if something huge is coming, but he doesn't know what. What is it? Is something going to happen to one of the boys? Or him? It sort of feels as if he knows but is pretending he doesn't. He really doesn't understand himself, and he wishes someone could do it for him. He makes absolutely no sense. 

There aren't a lot of stars tonight, again, and it makes him a little sad. He's not sure why or when he got so attached to the night sky, but it seems to pull him out. There are so many lights in the city, he doesn't know how any stars are visible, really. Maybe if he stays out here really late he'll see more when the city sleeps. But it's Sydney, it doesn't really ever sleep. The large cities block out all the stars, but the lights from the different buildings aren't a terrible replacement. It's still a beautiful view, and it's so close to...home. His house. They don't feel the same anymore. 

Of course they do. He'll be happy once he gets there, right? He loves his job more than anything in the world, but he needs a break, that's all. He'll rest up and then they'll work on the next album and the next tour and he'll be so happy and Luke will still be his best friend and really, that's all he can ask for. He doesn't dare try to get closer. Who would want him, anyway?

He's got his notebook again, but it's not really lyrics that he's writing, it's more just rambling. 

 _It's so large out here in the open sky. I love to be up high, but I can't really explain it. I have fallen in so many ways, what is one more? Does it even matter if I don't fly? I have been knocked down and fallen, I have fallen in love, and maybe I will fall so far this time that I don't get back up again. I don't think I would mind, really. I'm so tired. I am hollow but I feel heavy. I am empty but I can hardly move. I want to go home but I can no longer deny that home is not my house. Home is...home is you. But I'm stuck on the outside, wishing I could come inside instead of waiting at the door. I have always stood here, haven't I? Wishing for more, never daring to ask. After all, who would want me? I wouldn't. So many questions, but I have every answer. I just wish I didn't._ _I'm nothing special. Never have been, never will be. I'm just me, I'm just Michael. I wish that I was more, that I was enough, but I'm not._

_What am I doing? I don't know. I'm just rambling to myself where no one will ever see it._

_I don't think I'll make it back. Something has been telling me I'm not going home- to my house, that is. I'm not coming back._

Stupid. He's not even saying anything, he's not even explaining himself well. This is all stupid and pointless. He throws the notebook down again, groaning in frustration. He's feeling too much and not saying enough. 

"Writer's block?" Ashton asks, and really, people need to stop bothering him. No, that's not fair. Ashton has a right to be up here.

"Where's Calum?" Michael asks instead, then winces at the hint of sharpness in his tone. Its fine, they're just figuring things out in their relationship because it's new, they're not _ignoring_ Michael and Luke, really. He's being selfish. 

"Hanging out with Luke," Ashton says, taking no offence. "We've been a little closed off, I know, and I know this must be confusing for you and Luke too-"

"Yeah, dad, it'll take some time to adjust to a new mom," Michael quips, and Ashton laughs. 

"I wouldn't say anything about the two of you being brothers," he says, "That'll get awkward real fast."

"What?" Michael asks, and he isn't joking anymore. Awkward how? Why? It's not like they're, well, together, or anything. 

Ashton smirks. "Oh c'mon, Mikey, I'm not blind."

"I know that," Michael says sourly, "but what do you mean?"

"Okay," Ashton sighs. "So we're _still_ in the denial stages? Cal and I have seen this coming since, like, day _one_. You're not fooling anyone. Apparently when we changed up our contract to make some... _convenient_ loopholes so Cal and I could date, everyone thought it was for you two. We surprised them cause they were too busy waiting for you and Luke to figure your shit out."

The tension drains out of Michael and he slumps over, resting his elbows on his knees. "There's nothing to figure out."

"Michael..."

"No, it's fine. He's not into me, okay?"

"I don't think that's true," Ashton says, and he's entirely serious but Michael still can't believe him. 

"He shouldn't be, even if he is. Which he's not."

"Hey, don't say that," Ashton says fiercely. "I love Luke like a brother and I will not hesitate to cause an 'accident' for anyone who hurts him, but I don't think you ever would. No, not I don't think, I _know_ you wouldn't. I don't believe you've ever intentionally hurt someone in your life, Michael."

"Doesn't have to be intentional," Michael mumbles. "I screw everything up."

"Hey, where's all this coming from?" Ashton asks, scooting closer and putting an arm around Michael. Michael wants to push it off and run away, but he doesn't. Ashton would feel hurt, he knows it.

"It's just an off night," he says. "I'm tired and the tour is almost over, makes me feel all weird. I'll be fine if I can sleep."

"But you can't," Ashton fills in for him. Michael just shrugs. He cares so little now he's not even bothering to hide. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Tour's almost over," he says. "I'll figure it out then."

"Michael, you can't just ignore the problem," Ashton says gently. "You need to address it as soon as possible."

"We've got one more show, okay? Then I promise I'll look into it when I get home."

"Promise?" Ashton holds up a pinky.

"Oh my god." Michael rolls his eyes but he pinky swears and Ashton smiles.

"You know," he says after a while, "you can always talk to me. It's not exactly the same, but I... I understand, some."

"I know," Michael says, and he does. He _can_ , he just won't. He also knows that Ashton still has some bad days and he'll be damned if he'll do anything to add to that stress. Ashton seems to sense that the conversation is over for Michael, and he sighs but lets it go.

"Good. Do you wanna go hang out with Luke and Calum?"

"Yeah, why not." 

Maybe he'll wear himself out enough to sleep. He glances back at the view from the roof one last time and then follows Ashton inside.

 

 

 

October 6, 2016, 4:26 AM, Sydney, Australia. 

Ashton's been watching him like a hawk all day, and he can't get away until they've all gone to bed and fallen asleep. The aftershow party was insane, and he may be a _little_ drunk. His head already hurts, but that's probably from overthinking all day. He keeps reading and re-reading excerpts from his notebook and- well, it didn't even hit him until he read them all in a row that he... he really wants to just kill himself. He can't even comprehend what that means. He can barely accept it, it's never been this bad before. 

"I-" his voice catches, but he needs to say it. "I want to kill myself."

It's soft, barely there, but it feels like he shouted it into the night sky and watched it soar into the stars. He can see a few, even here in Sydney, and it calms him just a bit. Actually, he's far _too_ calm. Almost like he made a decision without really knowing it himself. They played their last show. The tour is over. Ashton's caught on a little, and they'll make him talk to someone and he'll spill everything. He'll tell some shrink he wants to off himself, and they'll lock him up and replace him and they'll just...they'll forget him. He'll just be that weird, annoying guy who was in _5 Seconds of Summer_ until they replaced him with- someone. Anyone. Someone with talent and a good enough body and an actually funny sense of humour and a great personality and, well, just pretty much anyone but Michael. Then they'll get even more famous and maybe people will stop bashing them for pretending to be punk. He's the one everyone always blames it on anyway. Stupid hair. And piercings. And tattoos. He was just trying to be himself, but then he got insecure about that and wanted to take it back. 

Some fans say he helps encourage them to be themselves, but it just makes him feel like a fraud because he hates himself. He feels like he's crawling in his own skin and he can't stand to look in the mirror. He doesn't want them to feel that, no, never, that's the last thing he wants, and if he makes them feel better as themselves, that's great. But it sort of feels like a lie when he's not himself in the end either. He doesn't even know who he is. He's a fucking cliche but it doesn't even matter. Not anymore. 

_Should he leave a note?_

_Is he really going to do this?_

He staggers toward the safety rail and hey, maybe he's a more than a little drunk. Maybe that's why he's considering this. He really should just go inside and slit his wrists in the bathtub or something, but he wants to _fly_. And he knows Luke would find him. It doesn't matter whether or not Luke cares about him, he's not going to force him to see that. 

But he promised he'd get help. He made a promise to Ashton, and he hasn't really broken a promise to any of the boys yet. He doesn't want the last thing Ashton remembers of him to be that he lied. He made him pinky swear, and that's just so...innocent, it makes Michael want to cry. Ashton's been to hell and back and he kept his innocence, he's fought so hard to be happy and he never gave in, never- never threw himself off of a fucking building. But hey, Michael's always wanted to be different, and what's him letting them down one more time? He's already a disappointment. 

It's getting a little cooler, but he only notices when the faint breeze dries the tears he didn't realize were falling. He takes another step toward the rail and reaches out, but then he stops himself. No, no, he can't. He shouldn't. What will everyone think when they see him broken on the ground below?

He sobs, shaking his head. He can't help but pace a bit, not daring to get closer to the edge. He's going insane, he's completely losing it, and all he'll do is embarrass everyone. He's a _freak_. He laughs, and it chokes off into a sob. Then he's laughing again, hysterically, as he looks up at the sky. Peace, he just wants peace. His head is a mess, it's chaotic and he can't think. His thoughts are slurring together and he staggers as he walks. He's drunk, but it doesn't matter. He thought it would help calm him down but it's just making him more emotional. 

He reaches out again and grasps the railing tightly. He just wants to feel the air one more time. He'll just climb over for a second, just feel that freedom. Then he'll go get Luke. Yeah, that's what he'll do. He'll feel it one last time and then he'll get help and it'll be okay.

Just one more time.

He's over before he can think anything else, shaking and sweating. His foot slips but his heart doesn't skip a beat. He's free. He hooks his arm around the rail and pulls his bracelets off, looking at the thick scars hidden beneath. There are so many more on his legs, but it hurts more to cut his arm. The moonlight makes the scars silvery, and a newer cut reopens and fills with blood again. It stings and he smiles. He grabs on with his hands again and leans as far out as he dares, closing his eyes and swaying in the slight breeze. Everything around him feels so empty and large. There are no borders, nothing stopping anything up here. He laughs again, and it rings out into the night. This isn't terrible, this is _amazing_. Maybe- maybe he doesn't have to go get Luke. There's no need to bother him with something as trivial as him wanting to die, right? Luke needs sleep, it's been a long day. But it's tomorrow already, isn't it. They'll all be up in a few hours, ready to head home. To their homes. Michael doesn't have a home, not really. 

He just wants to fly. Why can't he? What's stopping him? Sure, it'll only be for a moment, but that's enough, because then it will stop and he'll never have to feel insane again. He'll never have another panic attack, he'll never want to hurt himself, he'll never disappoint anyone _ever again_. He won't be so in love with Luke that he still wants to throw up when he sees him. 

Should he leave a note? But he's already up here. 

He looks back. His notebook is lying on the ground near the railing, and he thinks _close enough_. If anyone wants to know why or what he was thinking, it's all in there, really. They'll find it in the morning when they're all awake. Now, he can fly. 

He's letting go, literally and metaphorically. It's almost poetic. He just wants to fly. _He just wants to fly_. 

" _Michael?!_ "

_Shit. No, no, he's just imagining things, Luke's never up at this time, just jump, Michael, let go and fly. Do it while you can!_

He lets go with one hand, leaning forward even more, and Luke's suddenly there, unmistakably real and screaming at him as he grabs his arm.

"Michael, Michael stop! _What the hell are you doing?_ "

"Let go!" All rational thought flies out the window and he just wants to struggle out of Luke's grip and jump. He needs to. He _has_ to. He's made up his mind, and _nothing_ is going to stop him. 

"No! What the fuck, Michael? What are you doing?"

Michael turns to look at him, which ends up being a mistake. Luke looks scared out of his mind, eyes wide as he looks down at the ground far below and then back up at Michael. 

"I-" Michael's voice falters. "I just want to fly."

"Get over here," Luke orders. "Just- climb over, we'll figure it out, but it's not safe-"

"Of course it's not safe!" Michael yells hysterically. "That's the point!"

Luke flinches like he's been slapped. "Michael, no, don't say that, just climb over, _please_ -"

"I can't," Michael says, suddenly dull. He's all over the place emotionally right now, happy, sad, scared, angry, lost, confused...

"Yes you can, babe, please, just climb over. We can figure out whatever you're thinking then, just- just come over, I'm _begging_ you," Luke pleads with him, tugging on his arm. 

"No, I don't want to, I finally made up my mind," Michael babbles like a child. He doesn't even care, he just needs to do this while he's decided on it. 

"You can change your mind, Michael, please, just come back here-"

"No! I... I can't." Michael tugs again. "Just, just let me go, okay? Let go, I need to do this."

"This is the last fucking thing you need to do!" Luke yells at him. "Now turn your brain back on and get over here!"

"Just go back to bed, Luke," Michael says. Luke swears at him.

"I shouldn't have let you drink, I was stupid, I just didn't know anything- or this- especially this- what the _fuck_ , Michael?"

Michael stares at him for a moment. Then he tugs harder and rips his arm from Luke's grasp. 

"Michael, _no!_ " Luke reaches for him again desperately, and Michael hesitates for just a moment. He doesn't jump, but he does shuffle away from the other boy. His foot slips and Luke swears again. "Get back here, Michael, please-"

"I can't!"

"Fine!" Luke glares at him and then grabs the rail.

_No. No no no._

Michael's heart jumps into his throat as Luke climbs over, his face a chalky white but determined. The wind has picked up a bit, and Michael swears too as Luke sways in it. 

"Luke, what the fuck, get back over there! It's not safe-"

"Isn't that the point?" Luke snarks, but he sounds like he's going to vomit. "If you don't get back over, I won't either. I'll- I'll jump with you."

"No you fucking won't you dumbass," Michael chokes, but Luke just glares at him and his voice dies in his throat. "Why- why are you doing this?"

Luke shuffles over and grabs his hand. "Because you're my best friend even if you're a fucking idiot!" he shouts at him. the wind's getting loud up there, and Luke's shivering. "I care about you and I don't- if you're...gone, I've got nothing, do you hear me? _Nothing!_ "

"That's bullshit," Michael argues, but he grips Luke's hand tightly. Luke's gonna fall, the clumsy idiot, and then Michael will be the only thing holding on.

"No it's not!" Luke shoots back. "Everyone else- they're all so..."

"They care about you."

"They care about you too! And it's not the same, Michael, it never could be, so get your ass back over the railing and we can talk there!"

"I can't, I was going to do something right for once, Luke, I was going to, you have to let me-"

"Right? What about this is- _what the fuck?_ Why would you even say that?"

 _"_ I'm just the fuck up, Luke, I'm always screwing things up and I just don't fit in here, okay? I thought that maybe I could learn how to blend in, but I don't. I'm not like you or Ash or Cal, I'm just- I'm just me, okay? I'm not enough and I'm too much."

"There is no such thing as 'just you' you fucking idiot," Luke spits at him. "You're being fucking stupid and you're drunk, you're not thinking straight. You're not too much or not enough, you're you, and that's everything you need to be, it's everything we all want you to be. It's everything _I_ need you to be, okay?"

"You don't need me, Luke," Michael says, suddenly soft.

"Who says?" Luke shoots back defiantly. "I'll be the judge of that, and guess what? I do. I need you, Michael, okay? So please, just- come back over the edge. I'm fucking scared, is that what you want to hear? I'm fucking terrified and I don't want to fall, but that's your fault for being an idiot so it's your duty to fix it and help me get back over with you!"

" _My_ fault? Okay, a _lot_ of things are my fault, but you climbing over a fucking _safety rail_ on top of a _building_ is _not_ one of those!" 

"I don't know what else you're talking about, but yes, this is your fault! I wouldn't be up here if you weren't so fucking stupid!"

Michael can't believe they're arguing like two children while hanging off of the edge of a fucking building. Luke is ridiculous, and he's terrified about Luke's safety too, but what's he supposed to do? If he climbs over, they'll never let him back. He needs to just make Luke go over alone. 

"I'm texting Ash," Luke says, and he _lets go_ with one hand to pull out his phone. Michael freaks.

"Luke! Luke, don't let go you idiot, you'll fall!"

"Well I obviously can't handle this alone," Luke spits back, fighting to text one handed. Michael wants to smack the phone out of his hand, but he doesn't dare make Luke move in case he falls. 

His phone slips just as he hits send, and it falls. They suddenly go silent as they watch it shoot downward until it's barely in sight. It disappears, but Michael swears he hears a crack. Maybe that's the paranoia. 

"Luke Robert Hemmings! You get back over that rail!"

"Michael Gordon Clifford, _you_ get back over that rail!" Luke shoots back, and Michael just growls at him in frustration. Their eyes meet and they glare at each other in a wordless battle. 

Finally the door flies open behind them with a _bang_ and they hear twin gasps behind them. 

" _What the fuck?!_ " 

"Guess my text _did_ send!" Luke yells at Michael. 

Ash and Cal are by them in a second, yelling at them and grabbing Luke and Michael's arms respectively. 

"Hey, no, let go!" Michael protests. This is not how this was supposed to go, he just- he just wanted to fly. Is he insane?

"Are you _insane?_ " Calum yells at him. "What are you two doing?"

"I went looking for Michael cause I woke up and he wasn't in bed, and he was- he was hanging off the roof!"

"So you _climbed over after him?_ " Ashton shouts, trying to haul him over. 

"If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" Michael can't help but say.

Luke starts laughing hysterically and Ashton yells at them again.

"This is _not_ how I wanted this tour to end, so both of you get your asses over here before I kill you myself!"

Luke sobers up quickly and grabs Michael's hand. "Come on, Mikey, please, just come over so we can talk."

"No, I was- I had a plan-"

"A _plan?_ " Calum asks, and he sounds hysterical too. "How long-"

"Climbing over _now_ , questions _later!_ " Ashton yells. 

"Michael, I won't unless you do," Luke pleads again. "You don't want me to fall, do you? Come on, just climb over-"

Michael's shaking his head stubbornly, but his will is weakening and Luke seems to know it.

"Come on, you don't want to make us see this, do you? And I'm stuck here until you come over."

Ashton and Calum fall silent and let Luke do the talking, but they both look terrified- even Ashton, despite all his yelling. 

"I..." his voice fades and dies out. "I don't want to do this."

He means both. He doesn't want to live but he doesn't really want to die, either. And the longer he stays here, the more danger Luke is in, and that's more important than anything he thinks or feels. 

"I know, babe, I know, you're just tired and scared, but it's okay, we'll figure it out, just climb over with me," Luke coaxes gently. 

Michael hesitates. Then Luke slips.

" _Luke!_ " Michael's grasp tightens and Ash and Cal barely catch them, Calum getting his arms under Michael's armpits and Ashton catching Luke's sweatshirt by the collar. Luke chokes but doesn't fall, arms swinging wildly as he grabs the rail again.

"Fuck!" Calum yells. It's choked off, and Michael barely registers that his chest slammed into the rail behind Michael. 

"Okay, okay, okay," he babbles, "I'll come, just get over for gods sake-"

Luke doesn't say another word, he just nods and then scrambles desperately over the rail, Calum checking Michael's grip on the rail before helping Ashton haul Luke over the bars. Then they turn to face Michael. 

His hands are frozen, and his fingers feel stuck in their grips.

"I- I can't let go," he chokes out. 

"Shit," Luke swears. He looks like he wants to laugh hysterically again. They're all going insane and it's Michael's fault. 

"We should have just called the police," Ashton says frantically, "Cal, just call them, it's fine, I don't even fucking care. Michael, just hang on. Luke, just- grab him or something, don't let him fall, I need to think-"

He's freaking out, and Michael feels so guilty, but he really can't let go, his fingers feel frozen solid against the metal. He's been gripping too tightly for too long. Luke's shaking as he grabs Michael, and he covers one of his hands with his own, trying to warm it. 

"You can let go, it's okay, I know it feels like you can't but you can, I promise, you just need to get over here and it'll all be okay," he babbles. Ashton's panicking in the background and then apologizing for panicking. Michael can't see Calum, but he hears him on the phone. He really fucked up, didn't he?

"I fucked up, didn't I?"

"No, no, of course not, I get it, Michael, you're just not thinking straight and it's gotten bad and we didn't know and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-"

"It's not your fault," Michael says dully. "It's mine. I should just- do it anyway."

" _No!_ I was just over there, Michael, don't make me climb over again-"

"Luke! Don't you fucking dare! And you, Michael, stop talking like a fucking idiot! We're going to figure this out, just let me think!" Ashton yells at them. 

"It's gonna be a minute," Calum says, and Ashton huffs.

"Michael, just- try to let go again. Not let go! Try to move your hands, see if you can get over."

Luke's still shaking as Michael tries to pry his hand off. The one Luke covered finally opens, but the other one won't. Luke switches his hand over and tries to warm that one, gently working his fingers off of the rail. "Come on, babe, you can do it, I promise, just let go and I'll pull you over, okay?"

He's starting to disassociate again. He keeps seeing the moment Luke slipped, and it was all his fault, Luke was right. If he'd just let go before, it wouldn't have happened. He'd be gone by now, he'd have flown and then fallen and it would be over. He looks at Luke blankly but all that does is make Luke look more terrified.

"Michael? Sweetie, I'm right here, it's okay, just- don't look like that, please, we're right here with you, I promise-"

Ashton's talking too but Michael's not sure what he's saying. Calum doesn't talk, but he and Ash are framing Luke, trying to figure out how to help. 

Michael lets go and doesn't reach out to climb over. 

Luke screams but he doesn't hear. And for a moment, _he flies._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long. I hope you like this chapter. I'm currently working on several stories, but sometime in the future I'm planning a youtuber au that will be mainly Muke with Cashton but will include other musicians as youtubers such as Twenty One Pilots, Fall Out Boy, Melanie Martinez, etc. Not as main characters, but they'll be in it some. Maybe a little Dan and Phil as well. Let me know if you'd be interested.

"No, no, _no!_ " 

Luke suddenly gets a hand around Michael's forearm, and then too much happens at once. Luke gets dragged forward and slams into the rail as Michael stops his descent with a jerk and flies toward the side of the building, crashing into it with a painful thud. Luke cries out in pain, and it's the worst thing Michael has ever heard in his life. There's a lot of swearing and yelling above him, but he hit his head and his back on the building and he can't think or really see. More hands wrap around his arm and Ashton somehow coaxes him into reaching up the other one so they can pull upward. It strains on his arms, but he's too far gone to protest, and he just does as he's told and climbs. With seemingly inhuman strength, they get him up and over the edge, tumbling to the ground painfully. 

Luke starts to cry. Michael wants to apologize, but he's too far gone right now to even comprehend what happened. Luke's shoulder doesn't look quite right, and what if he dislocated it? Michael hurt him, Michael hurt Luke and he claims to love him? Why would he _do_ that?

He scrambles away from them and Calum frantically grabs at him, but he just curls up a few feet away and stares at his knees. He's insane. He's gone insane. He's not feeling anything but he's feeling everything and his heart is racing, and Luke almost _died_ and then got _hurt_ -

"Michael, Mike, breathe," Ashton says gently, but his voice is shaking and Michael knows they're all sort of panicking. "It's okay, Luke's okay, he just hurt his shoulder but they'll fix it, and he needs you right, now, okay? He needs you."

Luke needs him?

Ashton breathes a sigh of relief when Michael stops panicking and looks up at him. 

"Yeah, he needs you, okay? So you need to calm down and go talk to him, tell him that you're okay and he's okay because you are, you're both okay."

"I'm sorry," Michael rasps.

"I know, it's alright. Just tell Luke. Come on."

Luke tries to smile when Michael sits by him, but his eyebrows are furrowed in pain.

"They'll bring an ambulance," Calum says, "they always do. And you're both going, okay? Michael, your eyes are all unfocused."

"He might have a concussion," Ashton says softly to Calum, and then they're whispering. 

"I'm sorry, Luke, I'm so sorry, you weren't supposed to do that," Michael says, and suddenly he's crying. 

"I'd do it again," Luke grits his teeth. "It hurts, yeah, but now you know you'd better _never_ do anything like that again, do you hear me? You- you owe me."

It's a low shot, but Michael's too ashamed and Luke's too desperate for either to care. 

"What the hell were you thinking?" Luke asks, but his tone is soft. 

"I don't know," Michael chokes out, "sometimes I'm just not even in control and it's so messed up. I'm just a freak and- and- I just wanted peace. I don't want to be tired anymore."

"You're _not_ a freak!" Luke exclaims. "Why would you even _think_ that?"

"I'm obviously just insane," Michael says, "I thought- I wanted to feel like I could fly, just for a second, and then I could just rest."

"You can rest at home, Michael, we're done with the tour-" Luke interrupts himself with a pained groan as he moves his shoulder.

"Oh god, Luke, I'm so sorry," Michael reaches for him and then retracts his hand. "I- I hurt you..."

"Shut up, Michael," Luke says through gritted teeth. "It's fine, I don't care. And besides, you said you weren't even in control of yourself."

It's true. In some ways, Michael feels as if he had just blacked out, or as if he was watching what he was doing from someone else's body. But Luke still got hurt.

The door flies open, but Michael's drifting off again, almost completely gone as Ashton talks to the police. They called 911, so fortunately some paramedics showed as well, but Michael barely registers them until they set Luke's shoulder and he screams in pain. 

Then he's gone again, lost in his self hatred. He doesn't even realize that they're helping him up and down the elevator until he's sitting in the back of the ambulance with Luke and one of the paramedics. Luke looks exhausted, he notices distantly, and there are tear tracks on his cheeks.

"It's okay, honey," the paramedic tells him. She's a slightly older woman, a little heavy set with a kind smile, and Michael feels slightly reassured, but also a little like a child with his extreme confusion. Why is he so confused? He feels so stupid and foggy, but he can't snap out of it. 

She tells him that he's in shock. He just feels like vomiting. 

 

 

 

Luke's shoulder still really fucking hurts, but they tell him the painkillers should kick in soon. He's got a sling on for a bit just to make sure he doesn't strain it or move it too much yet, but fortunately they aren't making him stay in a bed.

Michael's asleep and they can't see him yet. He's been officially put on suicide watch- that's hard to think about. How did things go downhill so fast out of nowhere?

But it wasn't fast for Michael, was it? How long has he felt like this? They'd known something was wrong, that he wasn't sleeping, but how did they not see? Luke's got too many questions and no one to answer them, no one to explain.

Time keeps passing without his noticing. He's been sitting in the waiting room with Calum and Ashton, the three of them staring at blankly at the wall in shock, and nothing has happened since he himself was released. Michael is still asleep and may be for a while. 

Normally in an emergency, one of them will take charge. Usually Ashton, but really any of them will rise to the occasion and get the others in line and looked after. It's different this time- they're too in shock to move, to think rationally. Luke feels as if he's crumbling in the chair, pieces falling and hitting the hospital floor. Physically, Michael only has a concussion and some bad bruising, but mentally? Emotionally? Where can they even start?

"He's gonna be okay," Ashton says after a while, though he sounds more as if he's trying to reassure himself. Luke's still grateful.

"Yeah," Calum's voice rasps from not being used for hours. He clears his throat. "We'll figure it out. We always do."

Luke just nods numbly, still staring straight ahead. What's he supposed to do when the person he loves most in the world doesn't even want to be in it anymore?

 

 

 

Finally their tour manager realizes they're not even at the hotel and calls Ashton. Luke's not entirely sure what happens, but they end up back at the hotel with a promise that they can go see Michael when he's rested and that he'll be closely looked after. The three of them curl up in Ashton's hotel bed and Luke hears Calum crying quietly, Ashton moving to rest the other boy's head on his chest so he can run his fingers through his hair. It makes Luke feel a little cold and alone. Usually Michael would cuddle him so he didn't feel left out. But he's being selfish, isn't he? He's not thinking straight, all he can see is Michael flying backward through the air. 

 _I just want to fly_.

What made him feel so imprisoned? Why- he won't be getting any answers, not until Michael is awake and maybe not even then, so he may as well stop asking them. But he can't help it, he's feeling lost without Michael's loud, colorful presence by his side. He hadn't realized before just how much he needed the other boy. He's known for a while now that he's in love with him, that Michael is quite possibly the only person he could ever be able to truly love, but he hadn't realized how much he loved him until just now, when he has to lie there and see Michael falling over and over and over, telling Luke he needs to go. Telling Luke they don't need him, as if that could ever be true. Michael _is_ different, and Luke has never, ever wanted that to change. Michael doesn't feel as if he belongs in this world but that is exactly why he needs to be in it. Despite the joking arrogance, Michael has never been able to see the good in himself, but he sees it everywhere else that he possibly can. 

Luke finds himself in the bathroom, and he splashes some cold water on his face to wake himself up. It doesn't work. He doesn't know what's wrong with him, but he feels as if he's in shock still. Michael's alright, he'll recover, but it blindsided them all and Luke doesn't know when or if he'll recover. He thinks he'll always see Michael hanging off of the building or flying through the air whenever he closes his eyes. 

"Luke, are you okay?" Calum calls through the door. They're all paranoid.

"Yeah, give me a sec." He dries his face and comes out to see Ashton has fallen asleep. Calum's hair is a mess and he keeps running his hand through it. 

"Ash fell asleep," Calum says needlessly. He drops his hand and lets it fall limp. "I- I don't know-"

Luke understands, but he doesn't know how to say that he does. "Let's go to bed," he says instead, and Calum nods. 

"Okay."

Calum curls up behind Ashton again, so Luke sandwiches the other boy between him and the sleeping one, throwing an arm over Calum. He doesn't think he can sleep, but it comes eventually.

 

 

 

They finally go to see Michael, who's been awake for an hour. The nurse tells them that Michael's been perfectly compliant but doesn't seem to be paying attention to anything around him. He's disassociating, Luke recognizes that word. Michael's sort of in shock as well, and who knows what's going through his head?

"Hey," Ashton greets softly as they enter the room.  Michael looks like he hasn't slept in ages, which is true except for the past day. 

"Hey," he says absently. Calum just hurries up to him and throws his arms around him. He doesn't cry again, but he looks like he wants to.

"We were so worried," he says. Michael hugs him back and looks a little upset. Calum pulls away after a moment and Luke awkwardly approaches the bed.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, and Michael cracks, tears filling his eyes before he covers his face. Luke goes to him, all awkwardness forgotten as he sits on the bed and pulls Michael close as the other boy cries. Ashton whispers something to Calum and they leave, but Luke hardly notices, taking a moment to be selfish and keep Michael to himself. 

"I'm sorry," Michael sobs, "I don't know what's wrong with me-"

"It's alright, Michael," Luke comforts him, "we're not angry, we're worried. We want you to feel better, but it's not your fault, I promise. I just wish you'd told me what was going on."

"I'm sorry," Michael says again.

"You scared me," Luke whispers. "I was so terrified."

"I could tell," Michael admits. "I just thought- I thought I didn't deserve you caring about me and that you'd be better off-"

" _Never!_ " Luke cuts in sharply. "Nothing would be better without you, Michael, _nothing_. You said you were different- well, you are. And that's why I love you."

"Love." Michael sounds bitter.

"What?"

"Never mind." Michael pulls away. "I'm being stupid."

"You're not stupid," Luke insists. "I want to know what's going on in your head, I really, really do."

"I'm not so sure about that," Michael scoffs, wiping angrily at his tears.

"How would you even know?" Luke cries. "You've never tried!"

"Because it would be a disaster! You'd _hate_ me!" 

"How can you even think that?" Luke asks incredulously. "How the hell could I ever hate you, Michael? You're my best friend."

"Because I'm so fucked up, Luke, I want everything to stop and I'm living the dream right now but I can't even be grateful. I'm so selfish and ungrateful for what I have and I don't even belong in this band."

"That's not true, it's so not true, Michael." Luke just wants to grab the other boy and shake him. "You're such an important part of it, I'm being dead honest, I swear."

"I want so much and I deserve nothing."

"You deserve the world, Mike, and I wish I could give it to you." Luke isn't even upset. He's just feeling sad as he looks at the most amazing person in the world and realizes that he may never realize he's everything to someone.

"I don't want the world," Michael says quietly. "I just want you."

The last sentence is so quiet that Luke barely hears it, but when he registers it, it feels as if Michael shouted it. It means everything. 

"What?" he asks, his heart racing in his chest and his throat trying to close. "You-"

"I shouldn't have said that." Michael looks panicked all of a sudden and looks around the room as if he can get up and leave. He may try to. 

"No, no, Michael, I need to know," Luke says, grabbing Michael's hand as he actually starts trying to get up. "Did you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it!" Michael cries. "How could you not see? I know I'm not what you want or need, but I'm not- I'm not exactly quiet about it. I always wanted others to see who you are and in the process I revealed too much about myself, but I suppose you still didn't understand. It's alright, you don't have to say anything, just...please leave."

"I'm not leaving," Luke says firmly.

"I don't- I don't want to talk about this right now," Michael says, and he looks so, so tired that Luke's heart breaks. He's doing this all wrong, dammit.

"Look, please just let me say something and then if you still want me to leave, I promise I'll go, alright?" Luke says. Michael says nothing, so Luke takes that as permission. "Michael, I've been in love with you for five years."

Michael's eyes go wide and he turns to stare at Luke wordlessly for a moment. Then, "no, Luke, don't do that."

It's so pained, Luke doesn't understand. "Do what?"

"I know I'm a mess but you don't have to- you-"

Understanding dawns on Luke's face and he shakes his head violently. "Michael, I would never pretend that, I swear. It's true, I was just too cowardly to tell you before. I kept meaning to and then I was scared and it was stupid, I know, I should have seen it sooner, but I didn't until now, and I can't change that. All I can do is tell you how I feel and hope it's not too late."

Michael's crying again, but it's quiet, and he has a faint hint of a smile on his face. "You really mean it?"

"I do, Michael, I swear. You can ask Ashton, he's had to hear about it for a long time. 'Michael would never feel the same way, Ash, he's too good for me.'"

"That's ridiculous," Michael says, laughing a little wetly. "That would never be true."

"Oh, but it is," Luke says, smiling a little. "You're way too good for me, Clifford."

"You're saying that to someone sitting in a hospital bed because they tried to jump off of a building," Michael says, smile dropping. "I don't think that's exactly 'too good' for anyone. And I hurt you! Oh god, how's your shoulder?"

"It barely hurts," Luke brushes off. "And that part doesn't matter. It doesn't make you any less of a person, it just means you have a problem you need to work on, just like we all do. You'll do it, I believe in you. And- I'd like to be by your side the whole way, Michael."

Michael looks torn, and for a moment Luke thinks he's going to turn him down with some bullshit about moving on to someone actually worth the time, but he's happily surprised when Michael smiles at him. 

"I- okay. If you swear it's because-"

"I'll make Ashton come tell you every embarrassing thing I've admitted," Luke threatens, and Michael's eyes are watering but he's smiling. "And I'm not stupid enough to think this will make a huge difference," Luke continues, "but I want to be here to help and I want you to promise that you're going to try. Can you promise me that?" 

"I- I think so."

"'Do or do not, there is no try,'" Luke quotes, and Michael tries to cover his smile but Luke pulls his hands away and kisses him. He puts everything into it in the hope that Michael will be able to tell that Luke has never been more serious or open about anything in his life, that this means everything to him. He's never felt closer to him than he does in this moment and he thinks that he never wants it to end. 

It does, but Michael smiles and says "I love you too," so Luke thinks it's alright. He can always do it again, now, can't he?

 

 

 

Luke finally leaves so that Calum can go talk to Michael, and he fills Ashton in when he meets him out in the hallway. Ashton looks like he feels a little better after seeing Michael alive and safe, and he gets excited about the new information. Luke's trying not to act like an excited child because he realizes things are still serious, but he can't help but feel a little giddy.

"I'm so happy," Ashton tells him. "I know it's still not great, but you two deserve each other and I promise there's no better thing than fitting that well with someone." He looks at the door Calum disappeared into with a smile on his face, and Luke pats him on the shoulder. 

"You two are perfect for each other," he says. "And this whole band is so fucking gay."

"Oh god," Ashton says. "The haters are all right, aren't they? We're so gay."

"Doesn't matter," Luke says. "We're all happy and all we really need is each other. Besides, we have plenty of real fans that get it."

"That's true," Ashton says, "that's all we need."

 

 

 

It's a little while before Michael is taken off of suicide watch, and even then one of the boys always has to be with him to make sure he's alright. It works out because he and Luke shower and sleep together anyway. They try not to jump in too fast, but after a while they realize that they spend all of their time together already and it doesn't really make much of a difference. 

Michael's mood swings violently for a while. He doesn't know how to control his emotions, and every night he gets the same urge to go up to the roof or outside to see the stars. Even being outside at night terrifies Luke for a while, but after several weeks he tries taking Michael outside to lay on a blanket with him and stargaze, and he thinks it helps Michael create new feelings and thoughts around the night sky. They start a tradition of once a week going out to stargaze and sharing one secret. It can be a big or small one, but they have a new one every time and it helps Michael speak up more about his problems when it's just the two of them staring at the stars. 

There's a bit of a public stir, but because there were no witnesses they manage to pass it off as an accident and never release the details. It doesn't set them back on schedule as they take their vacation and then get Michael back to work to keep him from withdrawing again, and he comes into the studio more inspired than ever. He's writing more songs on this album than any of the others, and they don't mind letting him have that because he's taking them in such a good direction. It helps show him he belongs as well, and he's progressing rapidly. 

Luke's still terrified when he wakes up and Michael's in the bathroom or getting a snack, and Michael still has random urges that scare him as well, but they learn to cope and the fear lessens little by little. They laugh, they cry, they argue, they find each other again, and every time they're impossibly closer. They learn to balance spending time with each bandmate without the two couples closing off, and Luke has no clue when it will ever end because they're stronger than ever. They're better than ever. 

Michael gets back to where he was before and keeps climbing. Luke's so proud of him. They're young, they're in love, and they're real. They don't have everything figured out, and that's what he loves. Each day is different with Michael, and he'll tell him he loves him until he's got no breath left. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They stop being afraid. 


End file.
